I got the results yesterday and went to the Doctor's surgery this morning. "Well Mr Combo" said the Doctor, scanning the four pages, "what you have to do is diet. For three months. No cheese, no eggs, no fried food, no pork-based products, no duck, no goose, nothing high in fat. Your cholesterol is too high. Not high enough for medication but still too high." He then looked up from the analysis and fixed me through his half-moon spectacles, "and your liver is in crisis. I will allow you half a glass of wine at mealtimes and no more." "Does that include breakfast?" I asked brightly. "I don't really need to answer that do I Mr Combo?" "No doctor, just a little joke, ha ha, you know my way of coping with, er, bad, y'know, news." "Come back and see me at the end of January and we'll do some more tests. However the rest of you would appear to be OK. Your prostate is fine. So it's not all doom and gloom is it?"
Yes it sodding well is actually Doctor. Anyway, dear readers, what should I do? Buckle down and do what the dear doctor recommends or flick two fingers at the health fascists and carry on? I am inclined to cave in (starting tomorrow of course, November 1st, I have a dinner tonight for God's sake) and follow orders. I have always been obedient in the face of authority, that's St. bloody Custard's for you. What do you lot think I should do?
11 comments:
Awful, that's like being handed a death sentence...just one glass? Ah, but he didn't say how big...I have some nifty 19 3/4oz jobbies, that's 80% thereabouts of a 750ml...Bottoms up!!!
Maybe something was lost in translation, one would hope :)
Barring perhaps a lapse at yuletide I reckon you should followe orders...death being a permanent cessation of all fun stuff.
Bollocks to him! If you ran those tests on any one of us the results would be the same, or worse. Life's for living. I know loads of very dead healthy people. (I've just had two lovely pints of Timothy Taylor's Landlord, early doors... 1st at 4.35....)
1. Go here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/health/3230846/Healthy-food-Should-we-be-eating-more-fat.html. That should put the great Cholesterol rip-off into place.
2. Exercise more,that's sensible. Saves buying new trousers and you'll look better naked.
3. Drink less, that's sensible. Why have a head ache every morning?
4. Cut out all highly refined flour-based products - eg white bread and cakes.
5. DON'T give everything up....you'll just get miserable and go binging. All things in moderation!
For three years, my doctor has been telling me to take an aspirin every day because it stops heart attacks. Now, he says I don't have to because it doesn't....meanwhile, my stomach is ruined and Bayer have earned a few thousand out of me! They know Ferk All!
Ron. First of all, remember the Doc has to cover himself, just in case you croak early. Second; we're all going to die. Third; why shorten the odds?
I would take heed, suffer the mind-numbing boredom of abstention and go for a New Year re-launch. If it works, and you live; fantastic. If, however, all your vital organs implode in a Gotterddamerung of abused tissue then the lovely Mrs Combo will be able to sue and live out her days in style and comfort.
I trust this is the kind of supportive advice you need at this moment of crisis. For more of the same please call 0800-REAPER and be prepared to hold, it gets busy at weekends.
I'd hold off until after the Smithfield lunch in December. Then you can be vague with the quack about how long your abstinence has been, after all it will then be Christmas and all that Comboland has to deliver down the chimney. Had three Originals and three Greenall's stiffeners tonight. Lovely. Does this help?
Apologies Ron, made a comment over at St.Ashley's prior to reading this. Still applies though. Twenty units a week my liver man said...what the hell's twenty units?
Ron Thrombo??
Thank you for all your comments; as it happens I am laid up in bed with the 'flu. I'm pretty sure the bastards are out to get me.
Ron - an old friend suffering with a particularly massive gall-stone was advised by his doc to get plent of fluid down him. I went to visit him, been laid up in bed for a week, " fancy a beer ?" -"oh all right, twist my arm." - "under the bed .." I slid to floor and peered under the bed to find ( late seventies) two dozen Party Sevens, little gas charged delivery spout an'all. Marvelous. So - my top tip - just check with doc and see if you might have a gall-stone.
How's your flu....if you'll pardon the personal inquiry...
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