Some of you may be contemplating a driving holiday in Italy this summer.
Having spent a somewhat fraught period on Italy's roads and motorways of late, I'd thought I'd give some driving guidelines for visitors to this fair country:
1. Never stop at a zebra crossing for a pedestrian. If you do they will only glare at you because you are weak and do not deserve to hold a driving licence.
2. On the motorway, never drive so far away from the car in front that you are unable to read the name of the manufacturer of their rear number plate. This is especially important at speeds in excess of 160 km/h. Make sure you have your headlights on full beam.
3. On the rare occasion that someone might let you into a line of slow-moving traffic from a side road do not make any sign of acknowledgement or thanks. It is much better to glare at them because they are weak and do not know how to drive like an real Italian.
4. If you meet another Italian driver on a single-track road and (this is extremely unlikely) should he or she then reverse to a part of the road that is wide enough to allow you to pass, then follow rule 3 (above). Even better, stop when you are alongside and laugh openly at the driver, pointing and inviting any fellow passengers to follow suit. They are clearly weak and deserve all the abuse they get.
4. When approaching a red traffic light do not slow down. You never know, it might change at the last second. Only weak, indecisive drivers bother with brakes in such a scenario.
5. When negotiating a roundabout or indeed any junction do not use your indicators. That is a sure sign of weakness and people will laugh at you. Indicators are for idiots.
6. When travelling with small children please be aware that all children prefer to travel standing up in the front passenger foot well, preferably playing with a doll or toy on the dashboard. This is even more important when travelling at high speed (see 2 above) on the motorway and you are smoking and/or using your mobile telephone and, like the rest of your gorgeous family, not wearing a seat belt.
Happy motoring!
